/人生の作品に失敗します。\

Destrutomatic!

2009-04-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

So, this is the first post of April. Sheesh am I behind...

Anyway, to the subject matter of this post. This will be short since I'm tired of everything, including staying awake.

Now what did I do? I'm minding my own business and then BAM!, boy friend starts ignoring texts I send him. I'll usually get an 'okay' or 'I guess...,' which I'm totally okay with at this point because I know he's read the text and at least offered a moderate reply. But no! Now he doesn't do that anymore.
I'm not a mean person to him. I don't get why he's ignoring me. But I suppose that's life, right? He's up in Massachusettes and has probably found some other girl that's keeping him more entertained than I am. After all, I'm down here in Pennsylvania. What on earth could I possibly be doing with some one whose friends get high? -screams into pillow- I'm so angry at myself!
I knew I was doing something against my character when I said I would go out with him. I knew I was going to regret it and come back kicking myself. Well, look, here it is! Oh ho! I'm so angry
I told myself not get attached and well, look what stupid me went and did. I got attached. >< Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I like to be acknowledged that I exist and not ignored. It's iritating! At least the guy that I really can't stand at least responded when he wasn't being emo!
Ugh! I hate men! I really do. They're not worth my time. They frustrate me, they hurt me, and they make me look like a total fool. No wonder I was better off single, or perhaps, I'm better off with someone else. It's hard to tell, and at this point, I don't really care.
The only time anyone ever seems to like me is after they see me. They see my physical appearance and are like 'hm... seems like she's a nice chick to stick beside me with the lable of "girlfriend."' That has to be what it is. >> People just can't accept me for what I act like. No, they have to accept me for how I dress or my physical appearance.

Why the heck should I even care? I told myself early on, this one would be my last boy friend. And you know, I'm beginning to realize why I said that. And I think I'm going to stick to my guns.

I apologize to anyone whose feelings I may have hurt, but I've had it with men. Done! No more! I've had enough drama. I'm sick of seeing people hurt and I'm sick of being hurt.
I'm done, done, done! I swear I am. >< This is the last time. The ONLY time! -slams head into desk-

Now, I'm going to go to bed and hope tomorrow is better than today. Although, my money's betting that it won't be.
Good night.

Give me your hate AND essence. All this |3|t|-|c||\|g and |\/|0/-\|\|||\|g

2009-03-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I'm so tired of crap right now. I don't even get where it all comes from. ><>
I'm rather tied down and I have nowhere to go. I anxiously hold onto to every word my friends say to me in hopes of something better coming around the corner, but there never is anything new in my world, unless something interesting happens at work...

I've got another one of my headaches that has been slowly formed behind my eyes since Tuesday, and it's becoming ever so more painful. I can feel it getting stronger. I guess it's because of my health. I seem to slowly be disintegrating.

I think I'm just slowly becoming more and more lonely. I kinda wish that there was something more to my life than just what it is.

I also would love it if I could see my boyfriend more than once every three months. It's killing me. I hate it. I don't like the fact that he's all the way up in Massachusettes, but I'd rather him be up there than live down here with his dad, which is causing him some problems. I dunno, I just kinda wish that something good would happen. I wish that I could see the friends that I miss so much. I miss the friends that I could see everyday and feel at home with.

It gets worse. I've fallen behind in my school work and I have until the 26th to catch up on everything. I can pull it off, sure, but it will kill me to get it done since I lack the motivation to even complete no more than three assignments per day, I'm really going to feel the heat once it gets down to the last couple of days.

-cradles head- I'm going to go into a corner now and attempt to fall asleep with my aching brain and worries constantly ebbing at me. Good night all.

Duo avec la Folie

2009-03-05T16:15:00.000-08:00

Bonjour, mes amies!
Comment-allez vous? Moi, je suis comme-ci comme-ça. J'ai faim et soif! Êtes-vous?

Ah! Enough French so I don't upset anyone that doesn't know what it says. xD
So, anyway, today was another totally dead day at work. I was there from five until roughly six fourty-five. xD I enjoyed it though. I always enjoy working with Molly, Craig, and Deeann. I just don't like working with Scott because he smells of too many drugs and he just plan sticks. >< After he completed a delievery, he smoked something before he came inside, and if there's one thing that I can't stand, it's the cigarette smoke smell. I hate it with a passion.

Well, let's see... Oh! Yes! My days with Molly and Abby.

So let's start with Saturday.
Saturday morning, I got my hair done. It's all back to its blackness. I also got it cut so it looks an awful lot like Tifa's from Advent Children. ^-^ It makes me super happy. The only problem with it is that if I don't straighten it, I look like some kind of weird derange poodle gone wrong.
Saturday evening, my mom, dad, and I went out to eat at Molly's aunt's restuarant. OHMYGOSH! Super awesome food. I liked the atmosphere there too. -nods- Molly's cousin Chris waited on us. Is it just me or does everyone have a cousin Chris somewhere along the line? xD
Anyway, after dinner, I was trekked over to Molly's house where we had fun listening to music, going through her issues of Cure, SHOXX, and Purple Sky, and then we played cards. I even brought over my new Cure, which would be March 2008, I think. It features Mix Speaker's, Inc and Heidi. I like Mix Speaker's, Inc a lot so I was happy to see it.
We went to church the next morning because she had invited me to go with her. I really do enjoy Father Murph's lessons. I find him to be extremely interesting. We went out eat with her aunt at Chili's up at the Mills and had a good old time discussing things. We eventually wound up at the Wallgreens in Oakmont where the two of us spent under ten dollars on needless stuff that we felt complused to buy. xDD
The rest of Sunday was spent playing Halo 3 with my brother and doing some school work.

Monday, I spent the day with Abby and Sarah.
I got to install the most important part of the software that we bought to my computer. -drum roll- PhotoShop Elements 7! How exciting! I'm not really sure how to use it, but I will get there eventually. I've just been fiddling around with things here and there.
Anyway, we're still trying to install Microsoft Office: Proffesional 2007 to Malevolence, but it hasn't really been working, but that okay.
After we did that, we sat around and talked for a little bit while we fiddled on our compies, Malevolence and Virument. -nods- We went and got something to eat and we wound up over in Monroeville with Sarah. We went into the Exchange where they had some really cheap cds and some good deals. We spent at least an hour there and then we went to Wendy's where these twarpy little boys tried to pull off being older than they were.
This one kid seriously looked like he was anywhere from ten to twelve. The only plus that they had going for them was their height. I mean, come on. You're trying to look all big and bad in front of girls that are obviously twenty million miles above you and not quite pulling it off. >< I don't get little kids sometimes. They can be some serious IDIOTS.

Uhm, that about sums up the weekend I had.

I was really happy about this whole warmer weather thing. It's really exciting. I got to go out and ride my swing two days in a row now. xD That about made my life.

OH!!!
Another thing.
I bought a new videogame. ^-^ Well, an older one, but it's still new for me. I've been on a Castlevania binge lately, and since I beat both Symphony of the Night (Dracula X for others who don't recognize the title) and Curse of Darkness, I decided to try Lament of Innoncence. Outside of the really bad cinematech of the cut scenes where the characters are actually talking, I rather enjoy it. Its sound track and game play can't touch Symphony of the Night's, but I think that's because I'm more familiar with the controls for the PS1 version. xD
And if Leon had a darker hair colour, he would be SUPER, SUPER cool. Not that he isn't already, but his hair reminds me A LOT of Cloud's. I don't know why, but it does. Perhaps that was the effect that the game designers were going for... I dunno, I guess in short I'm saying that I like Alucard a million and one times better than I like Leon. -nods- But that's because I think Alucard has a cooler attitude and isn't trying to find his fiancée. Gag me! Please!

Ahaha. I'm so mean. I like the game and Leon too, but I think the story line could have been a wee tad bit better.
Oh! And while we're talking about Castlevania, since I beat Curse of Darkness (my brother sold the game so it's totally pointless if I still have my saved progress on my memory card...) I was so ticked off whenever Isaac stabbed Trevor in the shoulder. I was so mad in fact that I was ready to crawl through cyber space and kill the little ninny for Hector. It made me want to become violent. xD

Wow, I can go on about video games... Is that a good thing? -laughs- Oh well. I guess that I have to have a life somewhere along the line. It could always be much worse. We could get me started on music, visual kei, and video games. xDDDD Oh, there would be no end to that conversation.

Á bientôt, mes petits.

Home...

2009-02-25T17:15:00.001-08:00

I will walk together to the future unknown in which you are.
I will walk together to you no matter how far.

I am breaking apart at my seams.
I am breaking apart and releasing screams.

I want to find you before I disappear.
I want to find you so you can hear.

I wish you would hold me.
I wish you would be able to see.

I watched them all forget the real ways.
I watched them all forget where my body stays.

I walk together to the future unknown in which you are.
I walk together to the future unknown in which you are not far.

I was pulled together at the seams.
I was pulled together and now longer emitting blood chilling screams.

I found you before I disappeared.
I found you before I was destroyed by what I feared.

I let you hold me tightly.
I let you see and you laughed lightly.

I remembered how you told me about my path.
I remembered where I was no longer hunted with wrath.

I was home…

It's the ~FeAr~ of my Darkness

2009-02-25T16:40:00.000-08:00

Well, so it seems life has taken an interesting turn.
I don't know what I'm supposed to think now. I really need to talk to some one, and I don't think I'll quite be satisfied if the person I need to talk to isn't willing to talk to me. She is purposely avoiding talking to me and I'm not sure of what I think now. Everything just seems to be complicating day after day. I'm starting to trust some one that I know there will be consequences of trusting, but I can't help it. When people I'm supposed to be close to don't talk to me, I'm left with not a whole lot of choices as to what I want to do. I'm very frustrated.

It's one bad thing after another. I have this head ache that won't go away. I've been hearing things again. I've been seeing things. I've been on edge, and now friends are making life complicated... -aggravated sigh here- I just don't get it anymore.

I'm not sure I want to understand. I've tried to understand and now I think I don't want to. I can't understand some one who isn't willing try to. I can't understand someone who is foolish enough to take their fate into their own hands even though they know what will get them hurt and won't get them hurt. I can't do it anymore. I've tried so hard, and I just can't do it.

Maybe I'm just slowly losing my grip on reality and I'm losing focus everything that's been going on around me. I just sort of want to drift through and not cope with anything. I haven't been able to cope with things for a little while. Perhaps it's just what life is for me right now. I don't know. I'm so sick of the way things have been playing out that I suddenly lack the interest to truly back up what I say and force myself through things.

I'm feeling extremely down. I want to talk to someone, but I can't communicate with my friends just how disturbed I am. I can't put into words how freaked out I am. I can't find the right things to say to anyone anymore. It was as if last month I had a healthy conscience and I was able to truly oomph my words into being. Suddenly, I'm drained. I've got no motivation. I'm blowing off my school work, which is something that I've never done before. I think my loneliness is finally starting to get to me more than it ever has before.

I'm feeling so distant, like I'm almost untouchable. Life is starting to go into repeating circles. One second I'll feel like I'm the most loved person in the world and I'm at the top of my mountain. The very next minute or hour, I feel as if someone's taken my heart and gutted it right out of my body. I don't know how or why. I don't understand myself sometimes. Right now I really don't understand myself.

I'm freaking out because I don't have someone besides me all the time anymore. I don't have someone that I can talk to. I don't have my friends. I'm so scared. I'm not sure I like this. I'm not good with people to begin with and when everything just starts to unfold like it has so suddenly, I don't know what to do.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay. I want someone to tell me that I don't have to bear this because it isn't my burden. I just want someone to tell me that it'll be alright, that I'll be alright, that this isn't going to drag me down a miserable path.
I don't have someone to do that. I don't think I'll have someone to do that for awhile. My friends seemed to be only a temporary relief and then they started to pull dramatic crap.

I'm done for now. I'll probably update again once I'm done talking to my senpai...

Destruction --Error-- Maniac

2009-02-24T17:47:00.000-08:00

Hollow me out.
Spit me out.
Drain me out.

Turn off your television and watch my swaying body.
Let your eyes melt over and corpse and watch my swaying body.
Let your eyes glass over as you watch my swaying body.

Drop me down that bloodied shoot.
Dangle me down that bloodied shoot.
Discard me down that bloodied shoot.

Clean that knife of my blood.
Wash your cold hands of my blood.
Lick your lips off of my blood.

You offered me that one little taste.
I was destroyed by that one little taste.
I collapsed onto you after that one little taste.

I knew it was done before I even started to slip away.
I knew what you had done before I even started to slip away.
I knew that knife was going to rise before I even started to slip away.

There goes the light from this world.
There I go falling away from this world.
How much I had missed of my friends from this world.

I'll never be found...

Cool the flame within.

2009-02-24T17:01:00.000-08:00

Well! I'm officially put out with people! -shakes head-

I mean, it's one thing to tell me that you're lazy, but when you make me feel like I'm a total jerk because I don't send you emails whether they're chains or not. Usually when I send chains, I expect someone to email me back a reply longer than 'doh' so I could answer. I don't reply to one word messages and this particular someone knows that. I think I'm just sick of trying. I think I'm beginning not to care if I 'm friends with people any more. I don't know any more. -throws arms up in frustration-

I don't know. I go from worrying about one thing to another, and then I have to deal with the crap some one I'm not even really good friends with pulls. And you know the next burning things? She knows how to directly put the screws to me.

I'm beyond my limit. I'm tired of trying. I told her she had to try if she wanted this friend ship to work, and she didn't! I knew she wouldn't. I knew she wouldn't. I'm not a stupid individual, but it seems that I'm being really stupid because I know how she's going to act.

Could she be jealous of me? And if she is, for what reason? I mean, certainly, she doesn't use her brain in the slightest if you ask me. She's immature and doesn't understand where I'm coming from half the time. I just didn't think that I would let myself get this way after what happened in December of the past year. I just don't understand people sometimes. >> It would be alright if they didn't pull this crap EVERY SINGLE MONTH! I knew it was going to happen. -head desk-

As per usual, I find myself staring into a narrow hallway with all sorts of doors hanging around me, but I know that I won't be going through anyone of the ones that I remember are marked by her. I'm starting to think that I should create a new identity for myself separate from what she remembers. I want to turn myself into a person who will always cosplay and just disappear into nameless liberty again. I want to be just a name left on the wall and only cherished by those that actually mean something to me.

Who am I kidding? That will never honestly happen to me. But that's what I want it to be like. I dunno. I guess I'm just sick of people.

Au revoir!

Mourn

2009-02-23T18:30:00.001-08:00

I wish heaven…
I hold out my hand for him to take it.
I wish heaven…
I hoped that his in mine would fit.
I wish heaven…
Those sad notes filled the skies.
I wish heaven…
As I slowly realize he dies.
I wish heaven…
I recall you that day.
I wish heaven…
In much the same way.
I wish heaven…
Come back to me.
I wish heaven…
There is much I want you to see.
I want to hear the flowing of your blood…
Is there anything that I can say
I want to hear the flowing of your blood…
That will make you come back to stay?
I want to hear the flowing of your blood…
Beyond me, the moon rises up.
I want to hear the flowing of your blood…
Seeing it causes me to understand that his death was abrupt.
I want to hear the flowing of your blood…
I lower my head in shame.
I want to hear the flowing of your blood…
I still wonder if I'm the one to blame.
I want to hear the flowing of your blood…
I understand that I will never be able to cope.
I want to hear the flowing of your blood…
I just don't understand the meaning of taking his life by rope.
Beyond me a stone street rises up…
I walked that empty path way so many times.
Beyond me a stone street rises up…
He and I walked in between those same lines…
Beyond me a stone street rises up…
Here I stand.
Beyond me a stone street rises up…
Here I am all alone in this world so grand.
Beyond me a stone street rises up…
I look up to the sky as if expecting to see him there.
Beyond me a stone street rises up…
I soon realize that it is nothing but the moon's glare.
Beyond me a stone street rises up…
Some day, somewhere, I'll find him.
Beyond me a stone street rises up…
Maybe, by that day, it will be in the watery grave into which I flew from over a rim.

Dirge of a Dying Soul

2009-02-23T16:54:00.000-08:00

I've got this head ache.
I've been waiting for myself to break.

It's like everything I try is painful.
Everything that I'm doing is suddenly becoming rather drainful.

I wish there was a simpler way.
I wish that I could find the words to say.

There was once beauty behind my tears,
But now there is nothing for those tears but my fears.

I struggle to find that safe haven.
Yet, I find myself starved and craven.

Home is suddenly has become an over rated and dull.
My mind has seemingly gone into an overhaul.

Hands reach out for mine,
But I can't find Thine.

I fell into yesterday.
I fell past the eras of happiness along the way.

Nothing could touch me.
The thing the pulled me was too fluid just like the sea.

My dreams are too far for my feet to carry me to.
My heart is snatched out away from me like all those who thought they knew.

When will my redemption come along?
Or is this dirge my only song?

T |-| 3 |3 3 G | |\| |\| | |\| G S

2009-02-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

Bonjour tout le monde!

So I decided to make a blog. I already have a LiveJournal, but I forget to update it a lot so hopefully I'll remember to update this one more frequently. Perhaps at least twice a week? Who knows, we'll see what I actually get around to doing.

I'm rather upset right now. My brother is being an idiot as always when it comes to his school work, and naturally, I'm the only one capable of helping him with his Algebra I work. He hasn't done any of it since the ninth. That's not good in the least. My brother really makes me mad whenever it comes to things like that.

Anyway, I don't have much to talk about since it is the beginning of the week and nothing has really happened. But I will be fixing my blog up once I get PhotoShop onto my computer. I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, I just thought about something I can talk about!
This weekend I'm going to be getting my hair done. I'm really excited since I won't have to follow any guide lines for my school's dress code. I'm happy about it. I'm going to get bangs since I'm starting to get them anyway, but they're going to come down to my eyes or something around there. The length in the front of my hair is enough to drive me crazy. I'm also going to get a v cut into my hair where my ears are. I hope it'll look cool. I'm still open to new ideas though. -nods- But who knows? I'll have to see what Kristie thinks... I'm also getting my hair back to its blackness. ^-^ That's the part I'm looking forward to. It's all faded and nasty looking plus you can see my roots really well, and that bothers me.

I'm going to Tekkoshocon with my friend Molly once it rolls around. I have to ask one of my other friends who's already been there where it is exactly so I can accurately schedule a ride over there for me and her. I'm looking forward to it hugely. I'm debating whether or not I want to go as Orochimaru or some one else, but if I go as a female, she will likely have to be wearing a kimono since I'm one of those girls that doesn't like to show off their body. I'd much rather dress up as a guy anyway. >>
Eh, I don't know. We'll see what time holds. So far I can't think of anyone that I could pull off besides Orochimaru. But I think that's because I honestly want to go as him. >> Haha! Oh well. That's life.

I've been working rather hard too. It's been pretty interesting at my work thus far. I still haven't gotten a shirt for it, but hopefully my boss will remember to grab me one when I text him tomorrow.

Wow, so much for not having anything to talk about. >> Yikes, I scare myself sometimes. -nods-

I set myself up an eBay and PayPal account over the weekend, and I'm looking forward to being able to order stuff from it. I think it will be really cool to finally be able to buy things that I want from the internet, like music. My mom won't buy anything along those lines for me so I really have to knuckle down and do it for myself.
And speaking about buying things, I'll either have to make the Jonin vest for my Orochimaru cosplay or I'll have to buy it. I think it would be cheaper to make it and it would last me longer... -voice trails- Anyway! I also have to buy Decomposition Beauty. I found a new copy for cheap so I'm excited if I can actually get around to figuring out how PayPal works and I'll buy that first before I buy anything else.

I'm just excited to be getting PhotoShop. My friend and I split the cost for it and I do believe she said it was the newest one. I'm very psyched for it. We also split the cost for a complete Microsoft 2007 with her aunt and dad. I'm very happy about it. I can't wait to get them installed onto my computer. -nods-

Ugh, and my head hurts. >> But that's normal, as well all know from elsewhere. I think that's all I have to say for now. I'll update later on in the week if everything goes as plan.

Au revoir pour maintenant!