It's the ~FeAr~ of my Darkness

Well, so it seems life has taken an interesting turn.
I don't know what I'm supposed to think now. I really need to talk to some one, and I don't think I'll quite be satisfied if the person I need to talk to isn't willing to talk to me. She is purposely avoiding talking to me and I'm not sure of what I think now. Everything just seems to be complicating day after day. I'm starting to trust some one that I know there will be consequences of trusting, but I can't help it. When people I'm supposed to be close to don't talk to me, I'm left with not a whole lot of choices as to what I want to do. I'm very frustrated.

It's one bad thing after another. I have this head ache that won't go away. I've been hearing things again. I've been seeing things. I've been on edge, and now friends are making life complicated... -aggravated sigh here- I just don't get it anymore.

I'm not sure I want to understand. I've tried to understand and now I think I don't want to. I can't understand some one who isn't willing try to. I can't understand someone who is foolish enough to take their fate into their own hands even though they know what will get them hurt and won't get them hurt. I can't do it anymore. I've tried so hard, and I just can't do it.

Maybe I'm just slowly losing my grip on reality and I'm losing focus everything that's been going on around me. I just sort of want to drift through and not cope with anything. I haven't been able to cope with things for a little while. Perhaps it's just what life is for me right now. I don't know. I'm so sick of the way things have been playing out that I suddenly lack the interest to truly back up what I say and force myself through things.

I'm feeling extremely down. I want to talk to someone, but I can't communicate with my friends just how disturbed I am. I can't put into words how freaked out I am. I can't find the right things to say to anyone anymore. It was as if last month I had a healthy conscience and I was able to truly oomph my words into being. Suddenly, I'm drained. I've got no motivation. I'm blowing off my school work, which is something that I've never done before. I think my loneliness is finally starting to get to me more than it ever has before.

I'm feeling so distant, like I'm almost untouchable. Life is starting to go into repeating circles. One second I'll feel like I'm the most loved person in the world and I'm at the top of my mountain. The very next minute or hour, I feel as if someone's taken my heart and gutted it right out of my body. I don't know how or why. I don't understand myself sometimes. Right now I really don't understand myself.

I'm freaking out because I don't have someone besides me all the time anymore. I don't have someone that I can talk to. I don't have my friends. I'm so scared. I'm not sure I like this. I'm not good with people to begin with and when everything just starts to unfold like it has so suddenly, I don't know what to do.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay. I want someone to tell me that I don't have to bear this because it isn't my burden. I just want someone to tell me that it'll be alright, that I'll be alright, that this isn't going to drag me down a miserable path.
I don't have someone to do that. I don't think I'll have someone to do that for awhile. My friends seemed to be only a temporary relief and then they started to pull dramatic crap.

I'm done for now. I'll probably update again once I'm done talking to my senpai...